Author Topic: Death in the Family Conflict with Other Big Family Moves  (Read 554 times)

Offline KurtBevacqua

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Death in the Family Conflict with Other Big Family Moves
« on: July 18, 2018, 08:47:25 PM »
So my step-mother died early this morning after a pretty long, losing battle with cancer. We knew this day was coming for a long time, but had no way of knowing when. I didn't really get along with her, but it's not because she was a bad person or anything like that, we were just simply two very different people. I acknowledge she was a sweet, wonderful woman and I acknowledge her children as my own genuine brother and sisters. I got along maybe even better with them than my own blood sister.

I had always planned on going to the funeral to be there for my father, who has spent over six years dedicating his life to taking care of her. He retired and sold his business to take care of her. It's been a hard slog for him. I love my father and think I have a great relationship with him.

Now here's the rub, my mother is set to move in with me next week. She lives all alone in Houston, I am in San Antonio. Her husband, my step-father, passed away while I was on a military deployment three years ago. I wanted to come home for her on that, but she refused to do the things necessary for me to get released from deployment, long story there I don't want to get into. Anyhow, it has taken me three years to finally convince her to come move in with us. Lots of things currently in motion to get her moved. Meanwhile I put my own children on a plane Monday to see their other grandmother in Washington state until next Tuesday. So it is just me and my wife to get the house ready for my mother and me to coordinate things to get her ready to move next week.

My Dad understands and told me to take care of my mother. So why do I feel like such a turd for not finding a way to get away for three days to attend my step mother's funeral? I know the answer to that, I should feel like a turd, it is totally natural, and I should focus on helping my mother. My Dad even told me to focus on the living and help her first. It doesn't help and I feel like in ten years I will regret not going there and being there for my father.

I'm not looking for any answers or enlightenment, just venting as writing has always been good therapy for me. I'm an asshole no matter what I do here, and my Dad is right. Take care of the living first. Still, the guilt will be there.
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Offline BleedingCubbyBlue

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Re: Death in the Family Conflict with Other Big Family Moves
« Reply #1 on: July 18, 2018, 10:14:44 PM »
Sorry to hear that. It's okay to feel like a turd, but that doesn't make you an asshole. That actually makes you not an asshole in any way, IMHO.

Offline CMH

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Re: Death in the Family Conflict with Other Big Family Moves
« Reply #2 on: July 19, 2018, 08:31:33 PM »
BCB is right. The fact that it bothers you so much shows me that you do care and you're not a turd.

Life gets in the way sometimes. I don't think anyone here will have the answer that will make you feel better, and you'll probably always feel a twinge of regret when you think about the funeral in the future, but if it does help, I think you're making the right decision.

Your mom needs you.
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Offline jeheinz72

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Re: Death in the Family Conflict with Other Big Family Moves
« Reply #3 on: July 25, 2018, 02:26:33 PM »
Yeah I'd echo the above. You're anything but the asshole in the situation. You're a caring son who just literally can't be in two places at the same time
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Offline KurtBevacqua

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Re: Death in the Family Conflict with Other Big Family Moves
« Reply #4 on: July 27, 2018, 09:41:22 PM »
This is going to sound cheesy on the heels of all this, but tonight I had to put down one of my wife's pet rats, and that was a seriously heart wrenching experience. Tomorrow I pick up my mom and bring her home for good, that is where my priorities lay. However, my wife had two pet rats, brothers. She had to split them up for awhile because they fought, but she eventually was able to bring them back together and they seemed to get along, even sleeping together. Then last week one went off on the other and just brutalized him. He came short of killing him, but the damage was done. The other one could take a couple steps and then just flop over. He was clearly brain damaged and suffering. So my wife thought she could build this CO2 chamber to make him fall asleep and die peacefully. Nah, didn't work. I wound up laying on the floor with this poor guy wrapped up in a ziplock back trying to suffocate him. It took a damn long time. We're all sitting here trying not to cry waiting for this poor little dude to end his suffering. Finally happened and now I am sitting here drinking a vodka and tonic trying to get over something that should be so trivial. Hell I have been to war and passed sentence over  recommending ISIS assholes to bomb, and here I am hating life for mercy killing my wife's rat. Humans are such funny creatures.
"You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer."

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Offline CMH

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Re: Death in the Family Conflict with Other Big Family Moves
« Reply #5 on: July 28, 2018, 02:33:19 PM »
Losing a family pet is not easy, and having to do the deed yourself I imagine is extremely difficult.

Is it possible for the vet to handle something like that in the future? Just curious why you chose to take care of it. That's gotta be tough to remember.
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